


caffeine =/= quick thinking

by Raven_Ehtar



Series: Bones, Metal & Magic [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Puns, Gen, M/M, Mettaton is Oblivious, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, mettasans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-15 09:03:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12317898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Ehtar/pseuds/Raven_Ehtar
Summary: Sans is trying to get Mettaton off his mind, but that's hard to do when he's always on the television.





	caffeine =/= quick thinking

Actual days off were a bit of a rarity for Sans, but the nice part about not having a boss besides himself for most of his jobs was he could take a vacation at a moment’s notice. This wasn’t really a vacation, but a couple days without having to fit in his naps between customers was nice. Now he was fitting some occasional activity between his naps, which was the way things ought to be arranged. True, Papyrus would yell at him if he practiced his trombone too loudly, but Pap was out of the house a lot of the time these days. Out house hunting for them on the surface, determined to find the perfect place where they could settle - preferably with all their friends within walking distance. Sans was relatively certain that Pap was trying to work out how everyone could live in the same house. 

So much energy, it was exhausting to watch. No wonder Sans was sleeping so much the last couple of days. Pap was doing so much, he was using Sans’ energy as well! It must be nice to be so young.

In the end Pap would need some help. His little brother had nothing but good intentions, but he had trouble actually finishing what he started. When the time was right Sans would butt in and get it figured out. And if he did it right, Pap would never be the wiser his lazybones brother had interfered.

Not now, though. Now was the time for some well-deserved sleep. Had to replenish all that energy Pap was using, after all, or neither of them would be up for running around, let alone Sans’ rapier wit and puns. Plus sleep had the added bonus of not having to think for a while, and thinking had been a bit of a pain in the tailbone, lately…

When he woke up sometime in the early afternoon on the second day it was to a familiar voice. It had actually invaded his dreams a little bit, which he was certain was what woke him up. He went to sleep to avoid certain thoughts and the metal jerk had _followed him in…?_

“… metty…?”

There was no response to his sleepy question, the voice just went on, the actual words lost in a soft, cottony murmur. 

Sans groaned, protesting consciousness and activity in general, and tossed the blankets off of himself. He didn’t like what he saw. There was light in his room, which meant it was definitely daytime, which probably meant he should get up. Ugh. 

What was missing from the picture was the source of the voice that woke him, although he could still hear it.

Coming rather begrudgingly to wakefulness, it began to dawn on him that it was extremely unlikely that Mettaton would come into his room and start talking to him while he was asleep. For one thing, he kept his door locked. Another good reason he wouldn’t do that was because… well, he just wouldn’t. 

Coming out of his room and down the stairs answered any remaining questions, though he had been fairly certain of what was going on before he opened his door. One of Mettaton’s many shows was on the television. Because what else would be?

“sup, bro. sup, undyne. good morning.”

Undyne smirked up at him from the couch with sharp teeth, while Papyrus gave him an all too familiar glare. 

“FOR YOUR INFORMATION, BROTHER, IT IS A QUARTER TO ONE. THE MORNING IS ALREADY LONG GONE.”

“sorry, bro. you know i don’t use a clock. they’re too _alarming._ ”

“UGH!”

Sans shared a grin with Undyne. The fishy lady might not enjoy coming up with many puns on her own - though in his opinion she doth protest too much - but she did enjoy teasing Pap. What was a friendship without some shared interests?

“hey, undyne.”

“Hey, Sans.”

“OH, PLEASE DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM.”

“Late night last night with a show?”

“nah. i cancelled. had some important business to take care of.”

“What was that?”

“sleep,” he said with a wink. “took all night- and morning, too.”

A commercial came on for Temmie Flakes, and he took the opportunity to cross in front of the TV to the kitchen. “and now for a morning meeting--“

“--AFTERNOON MEETING--“

“--with a guy i like to call joe.”

A snort came from the living room, and Sans didn’t bother with trying to figure out who it came from. Getting a cup of coffee didn’t take long, even when navigating the super high sink, and by the time he came back to the living room the commercials were still running. There were more than there used to be. Some enterprising humans were already advertising products in the Underground. The potential usefulness of a lot of them was debatable, but it showed a good, friendly, mildly mercenary spirit on the humans’ part.

Sans leaned in the doorway of the kitchen, warm mug clasped between metacarpals. “so what brings you to snowdin, undyne? i thought the doc had dibs on all your free time.”

It would be ridiculous to think that the Captain of the - now defunct - Royal Guard would look embarrassed after such a simple prod, but Undyne sure made it hard not to think that was what was happening.

“Well, maybe I have more spare time than you think, skele-tiny! As it happens, I am continuing your brother’s training. We were actually making some progress, and we can’t let all that hard work go to waste.”

“uh… you’re going to train here?” Sans cast an apprehensive socket back at the kitchen. The carnage left behind whenever Pap made spaghetti was some indication of just how _enthusiastic_ his training was. He could just imagine what it would be like with master and student both at it. 

Come to that, was Undyne’s house still on fire?

“WE ARE STUDYING THE TECHNIQUES OF OTHERS, SO OUR OWN SKILLS MIGHT BE ENHANCED!”

Undyne looked sideways at Papyrus, definitely looking a little embarrassed, now. Pap, on the other hand, looked very proud of their endeavors, even if it was just research for now. 

Sans just smiled. He’d always appreciated that Undyne’s training of his little brother was more culinary than cavalry. She watched out for him, which immediately made her three levels a better person than she already had been. He also appreciated that they wouldn’t be burning down the kitchen today. How many hot cats and dogs would it take to replace an oven, anyway?

“so we’re hoping the pots will explode less, or more as a result?”

Undyne’s glare was interrupted by Pap’s gleeful cry of “MORE! MORE EXPLOSIVE FLAVOR!”

Sans laughed, and after a moment looking between the brothers Undyne grinned as well. Then the program started up again, and they were once again absorbed in their ‘research.’ Pap even picked up paper and a pen from the side table, all eager attention. 

“Hello and welcome back, beauties~!” came the familiar robotic voice. “Are we all still heated up and ready to go? If not, I’m sure we can get there again in no time!”

Unnoticed, Sans rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee. There wasn’t really any point in watching Mettaton’s cooking show, since _he_ didn’t need to learn how to cook. He thought about going back upstairs to his room, maybe read, or practice more of his trombone… but it was so far away, and he’d just come down. Maybe head over to Grillby’s for breaklunch? Eh, that was far away, too.

In the end Sans opted for the path of least resistance: to stay right where he was, propped in the doorway.

Besides, it was rather fun to watch his brother and the fearsome Undyne watching the program so intently, the former scribbling furiously and the latter occasionally nodding to the instructions being dictated. Sans couldn’t see the screen from his angle, but he could hear clearly enough, and it was hard to imagine anyone taking what was being said as seriously as these two obviously were. 

Sans watched the two researchers, listened to MTT give his completely serious instructions - “Remember, my little _sous_ chefs, you are what you eat, so make it gorgeous!” - and even remembered to feed his pet rock a couple candies from the bottom of one of his pockets. 

It wasn’t a long program, but it was long enough for him to start dozing off in the doorway, one shoulder propped in the frame. He woke up towards the end as Papyrus and Undyne got into a loud ‘discussion’ of whether or not they should try to call in with a question. Mettaton always had a portion of his shows set aside for taking calls. 

“OF COURSE WE SHOULD CALL HIM!” Pap was holding his cell phone, already dialing. “HE GIVES VERY GOOD ADVICE, BUT HE HASN’T SAID A WORD ABOUT SPAGHETTI YET.”

“Papyrus, you can’t call just to ask him when he’s going to cook spaghetti on his show!”

Pap paused. “I CAN’T?”

“No!”

“WHY NOT?”

“B- Because! He’s going to want questions about what he made today, not about when he’ll do something else.”

“OH…” Pap looked crestfallen. He glanced up at Sans. “SANS, IS THIS TRUE?”

Sans shrugged. “sure sounds right, bro. better keep it to whatever he was making today.”

“OH. WELL, OKAY!” Papyrus squinted at the screen. “WHAT _WAS_ HE MAKING TODAY?”

Undyne squinted as well. After a moment she said, rather doubtfully, “A quiche… I think?”

Sans chuckled. “you could always ask him _that_ if you want.”

“DON’T BE ABSURD, SANS,” Papyrus said primly. “WHEN WE GET THROUGH WE WILL ASK HIM A WELL THOUGHT OUT, INTELLIGENT QUESTION ABOUT TODAY’S DISH.”

“There you go, Papyrus!”

“AND _THEN_ WE’LL ASK HIM ABOUT THE SPAGHETTI! OH!” He waved his free hand excitedly, staving off Undyne’s incoming protest. “IT’S RINGING! I THINK WE’LL GET THROUGH TODAY! QUICK, SOMEONE COME UP WITH A WELL THOUGHT OUT, INTELLIGENT QUESTION ABOUT TODAY’S DISH!”

“Uh…”

“Oh!” Mettaton’s delighted voice acted like a frying pan to the face of thought for Pap and Undyne. “It seems we have a caller already! How delightful! Someone out there must really have loved today’s menu~! I can’t wait to hear their thoughts on it!”

Sans was fairly certain he saw Undyne’s scales go pale around the edges. Even Pap looked worried. 

They were given no time at all to think, as Mettaton connected the call with a cheerful, “Hello, _darling~!_ You’re on the air right now, you lucky duck. Tell me, what did you think of our dish? Or me? You can tell me what you think of me, as well.”

Papyrus and Undyne froze, staring between the phone and the TV. Sans wasn’t sure if they had even connected, but then Metts’ voice came again, a little concerned. “Hello, darlings? Yes, I know it’s a little intimidating speaking to one as amazing as me, but you can do it! Just speak up into the phone, my dears. We will be happy to hear whatever it is you have to say!”

Pap and Undyne stared at the cell phone in mute horror. They definitely connected, then. 

Papyrus covered the receiver with one bony hand and asked in a loud whisper, “HAVE YOU COME UP WITH A WELL THOUGHT OUT, INTELLIGENT QUESTION ABOUT TODAY’S DISH?”

“No!” Undyne whisper-shouted back. “Have you?”

“NO!”

“Come, come, darlings! I’m afraid if you can’t buck up your courage soon I’ll have to let you go for now. We’ll have to try for better luck next time…”

Sans was across the room before he realized that he meant to move, and Pap’s phone was in his hand. He wasn’t sure what he intended to do, but an opportunity was about to be wasted, and that wasn’t allowed. 

“sup, mettaton?” He turned to the TV. There was Mettaton, in all of his square, glowing glory. His EX form still consumed so much energy that he went about in his original body most of the time. When he heard a voice finally on the line he canted to a side, pleased.

“Ah! Hello, _my dear. So_ good to hear from you! And what was it you wished to share with us?”

The way Mettaton said it made him certain the cele-bot knew exactly who was on the other end of the line and was… happy? Amused? For whatever reason, Sans’ throat dried up, and his brain followed closely after. He’d had something to say, right? Something funny?

“It’s been some time since we last spoke,” Metty was saying, slow and considering. “Please, don’t leave me waiting any longer, dear.”

Something about food…?

“uh… um. were you born on a farm?”

Perfect.

Metty’s face screen briefly flashed a question mark. “A farm? No, I’m afraid that I--“

“because you look a- _maize_ -ing!”

Sans hung up quickly. On the television screen Mettaton’s face blanked out to all yellow, which was usually an indication that his mind had done something similar. 

Papyrus and Undyne stared at him. His cheekbones felt warm again.

“… wow.”

“UM… BROTHER? EVEN FOR YOU THAT JOKE WAS A LITTLE…”

“Awful,” Undyne supplied when Pap couldn’t think of an appropriate word.

Sans didn’t reply. He clutched his coffee and grabbed his pet rock for company, and went back upstairs. 

It would be _another_ couple of days before he could go back to the Lounge, now.


End file.
